Three years ago, I was wrecked. My experience then launched me on a path of intentionally re-examining of my faith and intentionally moving toward gay-affirming theology. Year one of this journey was incredibly difficult. It was terrible and lonely and sad. And though the journey is not linear, I can say honestly that this my most recent year has been the best of my life. On the path toward accepting myself, I have made a conscious effort to keep my Christian faith at the forefront. It is not easy to be a gay Christian, but sometimes it's best to do things that aren't easy.
I was communicating aspects of my story to a conservative Christian coworker. I mentioned that studying Bible in college has helped me grow and progress in my faith. I would add that studying mental health, working with at-risk teens, studying abroad, living near an urban center, intentionally experiencing other faith traditions, intentionally listening to diverse voices, - these things have stretched me and grown me as well. She asked me, "How do you know it's progress? How do you know it's not reverse progress? I guess that'd be regress?"
It was an honest question, though I think she more accurately meant, "How do you know that your former positions were incorrect and that your current ones are correct? How do you know you aren't less correct? How do you know you weren't spot-on the first time?"
So there are two questions, and I'll answer them both.
How do I know that I am correct and that I was wrong five years ago? I don't. I worry constantly that my potentially incorrect beliefs will land me in a postmortem lake of eternal torture. I think that my fundamentalist upbringing has implanted a leech in my mind that I will never be able to shake off. I don't know if this will change. I can only try to suppress the impulse to be right all the time - to be the smartest person in the room. Being "right" is often beneficial - especially when playing trivia - but I'm trying not to make it the end-all goal.
The question originally asked - how do I know I am progressing? - I felt like this question deserved some words on a page. So here are my answers in no particular order.
How have I progressed in my faith?
I am less judgmental. I am more empathetic. I engage with more people who look and act differently than me.
I am working more actively toward reconciliation. Through the process of coming out to myself, I have identified relationships in my past where I was in the wrong. I have always, more or less, been good at forgiving. I've never thought much about reconciling - actually processing past events, embracing feelings that are difficult to feel. I also don't beat myself up if the process takes a long time. If I go months without making progress toward reconciliation, that's okay. I am lenient with myself, and I forgive myself more.
I am more hospitable. I have intentionally made hospitality a cornerstone of my life, and I have realized that I love it. I try to open my home to travellers as much as possible. I invite people to my home and I share life in others' homes as more often, too. I share my possessions more. I have broadened my circles of friends and acquaintances. I try to love people without conditions. Here, again, I don't get mad at myself when I fail at this. Repentance, here, is not sackcloth and ashes. Repentance is the journey of changing one's mind, heart and way of life.
Twice in the past five years, I have intentionally chosen not to pursue lawsuits. Fundamentalists me might have made a very different choice. I have chosen to be more inclusive in my business practices. I have tried to make sure that profit is not my all-time bottom line. I want to build a bigger table, not a bigger house.
That's all I've got for now. I may edit this later as more comes to me. But I feel good. I feel better. I am healthier. If my life trajectory now is wrong, then it is wrong. I want my reflex to be love not correctness.
So it goes.
